Conclusion

It was Monday night... I was not really in the best of state. Flu and upset stomach. Skipped dinner. Never went to work today and tried to do a bit of work at home. But the medicine makes me drowsy.

Come night, I called her. I felt that based on her character, she would never call to conclude things so I called. She told me that her conclusion would remain as before. I accepted it and I told her of my thoughts. For once at that point of time, I dun feel a bit sad at all but instead I felt strong and confident. I told her that since she dunno what she wants and since I am not the one she felt she would be with, I told her to start thinking of what she really wants.

She said she did try all these years but I told her by not sharing her thoughts and her worries etc, she is trying all in the wrong direction. And me, I do not know of all these things in her mind, like a fool, planned for marriage and booked packages etc. She said she is sorry. I told her that becoz of these, both of us have wasted 4 years of our time. She said her 4 years were not wasted as she learnt a lot from me and in the relationship. Wow... what irony. She said she hope we could be frens again. For now, I told her I juz wan to get back my life that she has taken up for 80% of my last 4 years. It really irony to mention that rite? In the last 4 years, am i juz a tool for her to try out in this relationship, which she eventually think it did not work out. She never bother to share her thoughts with me and when the bubble finally burst, she thanked me for the experience she had. But deep inside my heart, she has already taken a place there. A place that I can never replace with another gal rite now. I told her something that I always say to her, even now, in future years to come - "I really loved u" and with tat, I said my final goodbye. Before I hanged up, I heard her crying. I understand that she really did try and want to make things happen but juz things juz never go as planned. I understand that I finally have to let u go. Ting, thank you for the 4 years of joy and happiness that u have brought me. These are memories I will cherish and keep with me. U will always take up one secret place in my heart, a place so deeply buried in my heart that only I can feel.

All i can say is i need time to heal my wounds. Slowly but gradually I have begin to learn to live my life again. Its definitely not easy, but all I can say is I have finally concluded another chapter in my life. A conclusion that was not what I want but it was an end of another chapter nevertheless. With this I would like to move on to a new chapter, a new phase in my life. Whether or not we will be frens in future or anything at all, let fate decide. For now, I juz wan to start my life anew again.

Argh... enough of talk... my flu is getting worse and i am feeling damn weak... Have to catch up with work tmr, as today really is really a sickening day for me...

Learning how to be Single Once Again

Its not easy... After 4 years, I am learning to be single once again. I am lucky to have lots of frens around me. Be it photography, my khakis, my good buddies, my colleagues, they are all so supportive of what I do.

I have learnt a lot through this month of cool down and thought through. I would be a silly man if I am to continue waiting like an idiot. Memories are sweet, but now they are just memories. I have slowly learnt to put aside these memories by occupying time with frens.

Watched Dark Knight on Sat afternoon with my photography buddies. Joker was really cool but the actor already deceased at the young age of 28 is it? Pity... That's how life is...

Sunday was my first bikini shoot. Really tough under the harsh sunshine and not so appealing Singapore beaches. But it was still a fun filled outing though shagged. After the shoot, saw miyake at a shoot too... This gal is getting into the hang of shooting with a dslr -> Including shooting herself (自拍).

Sharing the 8 bikini models here...

Sonia


Cherlyn


Kyi


Jia Hui


Valerie


Rachel


Sherlyn


Krislynn

Its Tangshooters 1st anniversary celebrations this coming sat... 3 weeks after the official date then this outing materialized. I am trying to plan more outings and hang around with these shooting buddies more often now. Thank u buddies for supporting me when I am at the lowest period.

New Member On Board!

Welcoming a my first trinity Nikkor into my family - Nikkor AF-S 24-70mm F1:2.8G ED

Previously I had considerations about getting it coz i was keeping the money for some big plans next year. But now, I welcome this newly found love with both hands wide open.

Getting my life back...

Slowly but gradually, I am filling up my time with friends and buddies. I had less time to think about the sad things. But its a struggle every morning to wake up with the same feel of loss. Guess will let time to numb me from this feel...

Anyway busy last few weeks with work and shoots on weekends. So much work to do and so much processing of photos over the weekends. Sharing some works over the past few weekends here.

Jul 5 - Lower Pierce Sunset & Night Macro

Jul 6 - The Mechanics - Production

Jul 12 - Kelisa & Picanto with Models Shootout

Jul 13 - NTU Graduates Shootout

The trip back to NTU brought back a lot of memories we had together. No matter what, they are just memories now. Sweet memories that I will cherish. Memories that I think are unforgettable.

The Rice Project : : Photography Contest

The Rice Project : : Photography Contest

Posted using ShareThis

Cooling down...

The weekend passed pretty fast... Gone out to shoot with few frens and managed to cool down. Went down for the heats for Singapore Dragon Boat Festival on Sat. After that went home and had a chat with a colleague who is in Oman for work. He shared a lot of his experiences and provided some advice to me too.

I realized that all the while I may have been caring and concern but yet she mentioned that there is no improvement and dunno what she wants. I initially thought it was juz her. But thinking back, I think i do play a part in this also. I thought that by making the effort to meet every week, I am actually sustaining the relationship, but not realizing that things have become too routine and stagnant. I do know that at times and I tried to arrange for something but everytime I thought that she would be busy with work on weekends or need to rest, I would simply cancel my plans. I know this may not be the main reason but a lot of factors are involved in a relationship. I do not want to speculate or deduce the reasons behind, but this few days I was thinking about what was not done well, where can be improved etc.
No matter how much I think, they are already history. If she decided to be back with me, I would definitely work on the missing links and maintain this relationship. If not, it would be a learning experience which I will bring it along in my life. I told myself that I will pick myself up and I believe I can do it. These things are just part and parcel of life, whereby there are ups and downs.

Sat night I was feeling down so I called Yong Way out for a midnight show at TM. Watched Wanted… I have to apologise to him for accompanying me till so late and losing his sleep coz after I hit my bed I fell asleep while he told me next morning he only managed to sleep at 4 after all the excitement in the show… haha… sorry bro!

Sunday also passed very fast. Went 2nd Uncle house to set up his wireless modem and then met Yong Way and another fellow Tangshooter to go explore Chinatown again. Yes Chinatown again… But quite satisfied with my shots that day coz managed to capture some nice moments as well as found a high rise that oversees the sub court side of Chinatown to peoples park. Nice Views! I decided to share some of the shots here… So enjoy…

Day 6 without Ting

Put quite some focus in work today. But mind still swirling. Lack of sleep i suppose coz worked till 2 last nite. I woke up with the usual feel of loss.

My colleague, who is in Oman now, msn me some words. They were very meaningful. He personally lost his gf to illness a yr and half back. I can feel that his loss. He shared with me some of his experiences.

The day passed pretty fast. Evening came and I was at SLS meeting some frens. I tried to pack my time with frens and chatting so that I can free my mind a bit. But now, here I am back home again. I try to hold myself back from calling her. I cant. She never picked up, coz i think she's bz at work. I pull myself and told myself to take a deep breath. I need to give her time and space. I stopped calling her.

I wanted to pull out my TVB serials and watch wat i have not been watching for the past weeks. But the moment I load the disc, it was a love story. I stopped the show. Its was really a tough night tonight...

Day 5 without Ting - The Reply and I Call

I replied the message after some struggle. And I called. Yes I called. I really cant control myself. Call me stupid call me dumb, u can say i dun have patience but yes indeed i called. Y? I cant control myself. My heart is telling me to call. I held back once but I did call. I juz ask her to take care and dun overwork.

A lot of things on my mind but i decided to hold back my words. I dun wan to force her to think so much while she is at work. I wan her to relax and be happy and slowly think abt what she wants. I will wait... All these i never say coz i noe she may feel stressed.

Its Friday and a week has almost passed... I think i really need sleep. I think i really lacking in sleep these week. Its another long day when i wake up again. I juz hope I can wake up without tears soon. I really hope so.

Day 4 without Ting

She messaged me... I dunno how to interpret the message. In the past, I would probably its was concern as a gf but now, I would think she is juz trying to sympathize me or juz as a fren asking if i am ok. I really dunno how to reply this message. I thought about it for sometime... I had managed to cool down a bit today. I decided to give her time to think about it since she asked a month. I decided not to reply this message not becoz i dont want but its becoz i cant and i dunno how to reply.

Evening, I went for a discussion with some frens from Tangshooters. I temporarily regained my own self but back home the loneliness encompassed me again. i tried engaging myself in things but things doesnt seem to flow right. To me, deep inside I am trying not to reply the message, I am trying to give myself the chance to pick up again and be strong to face what is to happen the next and every day. Its tough... but i know i have to do it.

She may be waiting for my reply but based on my understanding of her in the past, she would not bother. But can i apply what is in the past to now. I really cant determine and i dun dare to think so much. I went to sleep... I juz hope as each day pass, i will pick myself up to live my life again.

If she calls me and want a get together again, its a blessing but things would have changed. I would never take things for granted. I will have to learn how to love all over again. Does it mean I have be always the active one doing all things? I dunno... All i can say now i am taking one small step at a time.

If she never calls again, I have to brace myself up. Its always easy to say but tough to carry out in action. Slowly but gradually I will eventually pick up again.

Day 3 without Ting

My mind is flooded with her. Everything I have all is connected to her. The watch I wear was a gift from her, the clothes i wear to work are picked by her. My spectacles also. Everything is so related to her.

Last night I tried to sleep. The moment I closed my eyes, memories flow back. I woke up today morning crying. My tears keep flowing and they just cant stop.

I want to pick myself up... But life will never be the same now without her. Its day 3 only, and I am counting down. Like my colleague say, maybe its a good time for both of us to cool down and have a break to think of what we want. Its not easy but I am really trying... my heart is virtually bleeding everytime I try to stop thinking.

Heartbroken...

I lost my love. My gf told me she needs a break. She needs one month to think abt what she wants and whether I am the one for her.

I felt lost. I was devastated. All these while I put all my heart into loving her but she say that she had minimal feelings for me.

How can this be? 4 years we have been together. Memories of us flooding my mind. How much fun moments we had... How I entertained u and make u laugh... How u enjoyed my companionship... All these are just a dream? I am all the while living in a dream...

I close my eyes I recall these moments. These are moments I cherished... So much memories.

I feel sad... tired... no amount of words can describe my feelings now. I cried and cried, yes, a man's tears, but how can i control them when they naturally came. These are true feelings, I cant make it go away as I like.

What can I do now? Give her one month to think... This month may seem short but feels like eternity to me. To me, she is everything and everyday I would think about her. She was the one for me. No matter what things I do, I would always put her as priority.

My life circles around her, without her, I really lost my meaning in life. I have lost my father since young. I have lost my mum 4.5 years ago. Now I am losing my love of my life. Can anyone tell me what's wrong with my life? I have lost all my beloved. I used to share my worries and happiness with her but now who am I to share this with? I am lost, totally lost.

People tell me to wait, cool down and think. Easier said than done. I know they r nice people but to put words to actions are really tough.

I really love you, Hwee Ting. You do know this, and I am willing to wait for one month. I really dun wan to lose you.

I LOVE U, HWEE TING

Tangshooters @ Photoaid 2008

Photoaid 2008 was set up to help raise funds for the Myanmar Cyclone Victims. We gathered about 10 Tangshooters for week 2 and 8 Tangshooters for week 3. Some of them went ad hoc in pairs on other weekends. Well done TSers and the rest of the photoaid core team and members. The efforts and amount raised will definitely mean a lot to the victims.

Some shots to share from the 2 weekends.

Sunrise on Sat 24th May. Before Photoaid.

Busy busy volunteers...


Hot hot day... The phototaking booth


Hmm... Mulan and Tupi_Guy (Charles). Dun be mistaken. Nothin ok...


Weekend 2 Tangshooters


Final Weekend Tangshooters with 2 special guests -> Vivian and Jacelyn

TFCD - Sindy & Loren

Did this shoot a couple of weeks back. Thanks to naka for the invite. Too bad never took much of Tsz Man who was with us tat day. Only sharing Sindy's and Loren's here. More can be viewed on my flickr.

Loren

Sindy

Well the 3 ladies are really great. Another 2 regulars (Sindy and Tsz Man) are now "contracted" to Tangshooters. Funny rite... no contract lar, just joking. They are fun to have around!